One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything
checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of
the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman
there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men
to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his
pants and said, “So is that how the other men do it?” One of the men responded, “No we usually just use the camel to ride into
town.”

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female
clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it
on the counter. “What are you doing, Sir?”, she asks. “This is a clock shop!!” He replied, “I know it is and I would like 2 hands
and a face put on this!”

A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy. The man asks the boy, “Where is your
mother?” The boy states, “She’s in the backyard, screwing the goat.” The man exclaims, “Son, it’s not nice to make up stories like
that!” The boy says, “Come on in and I’ll show you.” So the taxman follows the little boy to the back of the house and looks out the
window into the backyard. There, he sees a woman screwing a goat. Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says, “That is gross! Doesn’t
that bother you?” The little boy answers, “Naaaaaaaaah!”

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Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for
a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. “Thanks,” he croaks. “That’s one hell of a thirst you’ve
got,” says the landlord.

The guy says: “Any man would be as bad if they’d just had sex with the woman in my car. She’s insatiable. She wants me to go right
back out there and do it all again, but I can’t.” “Where’s your car?” the landlord asks. “At the roadside,” the guy gasps.

“Tell you what,” says the landlord, “you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place.” “Be my guest,” the guy says. So
the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It’s totally dark, so the woman doesn’t realize she’s with a different man. And
they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there’s a knock on the window. It’s a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. “What’s going on
here?” he asks. “It’s all right, officer,” explains the landlord, “She’s my wife.” The officer replies apologetically, “Oh, sorry
sir, I didn’t realize.”

Looking at the woman the landlord says, “Neither did I till you switched on that damned light.”

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: “What are you doing here today?”

Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.”

Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the

same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ (in tiny letters) on the
blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day,
the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in
vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found
the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.
At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: “The
more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

‘Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money–The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days–they all are the pits
They want the impossible–Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s–No request for them,
They want computers and robots…they think - I’m IBM!

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There’s no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming “Fujifoo,
Fugifoo!!!”, which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a
hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said “Fujifoo”. The Japanese clients looked confused and said “No, you got the right
hole.”

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when
they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and
misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex,
reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. “The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea,
Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on
my penis … fifty times”

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to

work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man’s dog asked the second man’s dog what
he’s there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, “Well, you see… I’ve been chasing
the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I’m going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, “Well,
my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn’t like it because my scent wasn’t anywhere, anymore. So, when he
went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had
done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said, “This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me
very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn’t
stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!” The other dogs say, ” so’ that’s why they are putting you to sleep?” No
says the dog, “She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!”

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings
open her robe and yells “Super Pussy!” The old man says “I’ll have the soup.”

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in
and sits down. The interviewer asks him “Do you love your wife?” so he replies “Yes I do, sir.” “Do you love your country?” asks the
interviewer. “Yes I do, sir.”, interviewer continues, “What do you love more, your wife or your country?” he replies “My country,
sir.” The interviewer looks at the man, “Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her.”

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He
puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses
are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says “I can’t do
it…”.

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes
into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes.
The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says “What
happened?!?!”, to which the guy replies, “The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!”

(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said, “My husband wants
me to ask you…”, to which the doctor replies “I know…I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all
the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow
the lawn.”

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the doctor says. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient. “The bad news is that
unfortunately you’ve only got 3 months to live”. The patient is taken back, “What’s the good news then Doctor?”. The doctor points
over to the secretary at the front desk, “You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to
heaven?”, the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, “I’m fucking her.”

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A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and
the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, “How the hell can you stay down this deep
without equipment?” The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, “You asshole, I’m drowning.”

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